Reaching almost adulthood I still haven’t truly figured out where I stand with my beliefs. With all the different cultures and customs I grew up around and also the HUGE barriers in my life that I have had to get over has left me confused and in want of answers.
I was born in a small little Roman Catholic hick town where everyone knows everyone and everything. Everyone shared the same views and if you went against it you were wrong there was no listening to your side. So for my first seven years of life I stayed in my small little town in southern Maine and stayed in the same small little shell of close mindedness.
I moved to Spain after this and it was the same religion, Roman Catholic, but it was brought to another extreme for me. I found as a kid that it was more of a bother then a blessing. More times then not I would say to my parents “Do I really have to go today?” or “Why do I have to go?” Even though yes it brought me closer to God and finding out who God was it pushed it on me which made me put up a shield and close off to all their teachings.
After living in Spain I moved to a couple different states in American. First New Jersey where I was still in a Roman Catholic environment, this time it wasn’t really pushed on me. So I found that I grew a lot closer to God and I wanted to go to church every weekend I wanted to pray I wanted to do things right. But then after a year or so problems struck, one of my family members turned abusive towards me in every way. Verbally, sexually, physically, and emotionally. I thought if God loved me and I was the apple of his eye, why would he let this happen to me? WHY? Then after 3 years I moved to Louisiana and was put in a Catholic private school. The way they acted to me, so judgmental, looking down on me all the time because of the little mistakes I would made. But I still practiced my religion and was strongly into my faith. After being in Louisiana for just eight months I up and moved to Mississippi, but before I moved there I had to live in Alabama for a month or two while I waited to start school and find a place to live. I thought I would never leave the hotel I was living in it seemed like forever. I finally got to Mississippi and I was so close with God because I felt like he was really looking out for me. I made friends really quick in the new school, my new house was amazing, me and my families relationship was amazing, I finally felt like I really had a hand on my shoulder someone that was there looking after me in every way. Just when everything was so right Hurricane Katrina hit, not even a month into living in Mississippi, my house was totally devastated, all my positions from all the different places I had been, ALL my clothes there was nothing to be kept. I moved to Virginia for a month while my parents rebuilt the house because the conditions were so bad down there we didn’t even know when the next time we would find water was, this tore me way from God in every single way. My past relationship with him was thrown out the window I believed nothing would ever be the same. I had no faith in the lord at all anymore. After a month school started back so I went back to Mississippi but my house still wasn’t fixed so for about three months I had to live in my front yard. Scared, cold, and alone. God definitely was not on my side. None of the friends I had made before were even still living there because of the massive amount of devastation we had in out town. At that point my believes in God were in the past God no longer was or would ever be my friend.
After this I found out I was moving to South Korea with this epic news I was just like “wow God what happened to our relationship? What did I do to you?” so that summer I lived with my grandparents up in Maine in a different town then where I was born while waiting to move to South Korea that was probably the best time of my life. I got to do the things I wanted to do and the things I loved like go to all kinds of hardcore shows and hang out with the people who felt the same way as me. Religion was the last thing on my mind, I got into a lot of trouble and did a lot of bad things because I was so hurt and had no connection spiritually at all. This behavior was carried over to South Korea with me. After that whole incident I stopped going to church and praying and once I got to Korea it was even worse I had no clue who I was or who the lord was.
After nine months of living in South Korea I moved to yet another part of Maine, this time it was a town in the northern part of Maine that was full of bad influences with all kinds of different drugs and parties that didn’t end up well and at the start that was were I was a confused little girl doing anything to get some attention or help. That’s when my mother and I became really close. She helped me find who I was again and helped me get back on the right track. After this point, I stopped all my bad habits and opened myself up a little bit again to my family I started trying to get back into my faith. The main reason was because at least when I had my faith, I knew I had a friend and someone that was always protecting me and leading me in the right direction.
And that leads us to now, I am back in South Korea. Now 17 years old and still not sure of who I am, where I belong. But now one thing is still the same, I am a Roman Catholic, and still with many questions left unanswered.
I was born in a small little Roman Catholic hick town where everyone knows everyone and everything. Everyone shared the same views and if you went against it you were wrong there was no listening to your side. So for my first seven years of life I stayed in my small little town in southern Maine and stayed in the same small little shell of close mindedness.
I moved to Spain after this and it was the same religion, Roman Catholic, but it was brought to another extreme for me. I found as a kid that it was more of a bother then a blessing. More times then not I would say to my parents “Do I really have to go today?” or “Why do I have to go?” Even though yes it brought me closer to God and finding out who God was it pushed it on me which made me put up a shield and close off to all their teachings.
After living in Spain I moved to a couple different states in American. First New Jersey where I was still in a Roman Catholic environment, this time it wasn’t really pushed on me. So I found that I grew a lot closer to God and I wanted to go to church every weekend I wanted to pray I wanted to do things right. But then after a year or so problems struck, one of my family members turned abusive towards me in every way. Verbally, sexually, physically, and emotionally. I thought if God loved me and I was the apple of his eye, why would he let this happen to me? WHY? Then after 3 years I moved to Louisiana and was put in a Catholic private school. The way they acted to me, so judgmental, looking down on me all the time because of the little mistakes I would made. But I still practiced my religion and was strongly into my faith. After being in Louisiana for just eight months I up and moved to Mississippi, but before I moved there I had to live in Alabama for a month or two while I waited to start school and find a place to live. I thought I would never leave the hotel I was living in it seemed like forever. I finally got to Mississippi and I was so close with God because I felt like he was really looking out for me. I made friends really quick in the new school, my new house was amazing, me and my families relationship was amazing, I finally felt like I really had a hand on my shoulder someone that was there looking after me in every way. Just when everything was so right Hurricane Katrina hit, not even a month into living in Mississippi, my house was totally devastated, all my positions from all the different places I had been, ALL my clothes there was nothing to be kept. I moved to Virginia for a month while my parents rebuilt the house because the conditions were so bad down there we didn’t even know when the next time we would find water was, this tore me way from God in every single way. My past relationship with him was thrown out the window I believed nothing would ever be the same. I had no faith in the lord at all anymore. After a month school started back so I went back to Mississippi but my house still wasn’t fixed so for about three months I had to live in my front yard. Scared, cold, and alone. God definitely was not on my side. None of the friends I had made before were even still living there because of the massive amount of devastation we had in out town. At that point my believes in God were in the past God no longer was or would ever be my friend.
After this I found out I was moving to South Korea with this epic news I was just like “wow God what happened to our relationship? What did I do to you?” so that summer I lived with my grandparents up in Maine in a different town then where I was born while waiting to move to South Korea that was probably the best time of my life. I got to do the things I wanted to do and the things I loved like go to all kinds of hardcore shows and hang out with the people who felt the same way as me. Religion was the last thing on my mind, I got into a lot of trouble and did a lot of bad things because I was so hurt and had no connection spiritually at all. This behavior was carried over to South Korea with me. After that whole incident I stopped going to church and praying and once I got to Korea it was even worse I had no clue who I was or who the lord was.
After nine months of living in South Korea I moved to yet another part of Maine, this time it was a town in the northern part of Maine that was full of bad influences with all kinds of different drugs and parties that didn’t end up well and at the start that was were I was a confused little girl doing anything to get some attention or help. That’s when my mother and I became really close. She helped me find who I was again and helped me get back on the right track. After this point, I stopped all my bad habits and opened myself up a little bit again to my family I started trying to get back into my faith. The main reason was because at least when I had my faith, I knew I had a friend and someone that was always protecting me and leading me in the right direction.
And that leads us to now, I am back in South Korea. Now 17 years old and still not sure of who I am, where I belong. But now one thing is still the same, I am a Roman Catholic, and still with many questions left unanswered.
4 comments:
Chelsea,
Sorry that I didn't read your post last night! Thanks for your honesty. I can see how your life experience has led you to where you are at this point spiritually. Unfortunately, there are things beyond our control that have a significant impact on our lives, causing us to question our faith and withdraw from God. I think that where you are spiritually is not such a bad place to be. You recognize that something is lacking, and you aren't satisfied with that. You're asking questions and that is the first step towards finding answers. I hope that throughout this book, you'll be open to the kinds of discussions we have and the kinds of questions you are asked. Always keep an open mind and an open heart to what God can do in your life. I know he changed me radically from who I was when I was in High School. Radically. And I wouldn't have believed it except that it happened to me so I couldn't deny it! I look forward to your next post.
Chelsea, You have experienced indescribable pain and hardship. I admire how strong you have become and can see God's hand upon you. I know how hard it is to have circumstances go beyond one's control. But one thing is always real to me... "God sees the truth but waits" for me to trust Him. There is only one thing I know and want to do: Deuteronomy 6:5 "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Mrs.Mc.
Chelsea. I think this was my third time reading your blog. I like how honest you are in your writing. Your writing is definitely not a fabricated piece of work that reveals your faith. I have known you as a friend, but after reading your blog, I have discovered that there have been so many hardships in your life, that I never knew of. It must have been difficult for you to still try and seek for faith when there have been so many horrors in your past. You are such a happy, bright and funny person, I never thought that you have so much in your past that bitter.
The best part about this entry is how real you are, and thats what attracts me to it.
Well, I hope we can have more of those conversations in the office or in my room(if u can surive 31 degrees)! ^^
-Pritha
Hey, Chelsea!
I was pretty surprised when I read your blog..it seemed as if I haven't known you at all! It seems like you've had a more dramatic life than me...but there is always a time that comes to stablize your life. You're always such a bright, optimistic person at school, and I keep getting influenced by your mega-bright smiles!! You're awesome Chelsea <333.
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